To Mother and Dad, From Sharon

Dear Mother and Dad:

Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.

Seriously, you are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now. I only spent three weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day or so.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory, and my jump, was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his home by the river with him. It’s really a van, but it’s kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.

We haven’t got the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him.

Since the baby is almost here, we need your help buying a trailer because the van just won’t be big enough for the three of us. We’ve got a nice double wide picked out and we’re pretty sure you can afford it. We wanted to have an extra bedroom so that when you come to visit your grandbaby you’d have a place to stay.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I am not infected, there is no boyfriend and of course, you won’t have to buy us a trailer. However, I desperately need tickets to Salt Lake Comic Con that takes place September 24-26 and I wanted you to receive this sincere request in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,